Terian's blog

July 2009 photos of the week

 

Joe Terian is reflected in a photo of Jody. Joe and his wife, Carla lost their baby Jody in April. He lived just an hour but they have nearly a thousand pictures of him, thanks to Gilbert photographer Angelina Dominquez.

Photo by: Mark Henle/The Arizona Republic

 

 

July 2009 photos of the week

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This is Google's cache of http://www.azcentral.com/commphotos/azcentral/11389/13/13. It is a snapshot of the page as it appeared on Jul 20, 2009 02:18:52 GMT. The current page could have changed in the meantime. Learn moreText-only versionThese search terms are highlighted: carla joe terian  

This image was on azcentral.com.  It is a prelude an artical that will be in the Arizona Republic on Sunday, August 23rd in the Arizona Living section. We are so blessed to be able to share Jody's story and our experience with Angelina with the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep organization.

It’s been awhile…

I have wanted to do a new post for a few days. I start one, things happen… Alright honestly I don’t finish. I have about 20 unfinished posts saved which I never go back and look at. Sometimes there just is not any inspiration, its just the mundane, normal day to day stuff.  

On to my point…

A few weeks ago, I joined the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (NILMDTS) forums. I have been reading something’s just bring tears to my eyes. Not full hysterical balling, but tears of sorrow for other people who are posting on the site.

The last couple of days have been difficult for Joe and myself, I don’t think there has to be a particular reason why. I could look at you and say I am balling my eyes out because the lights are on… Makes no sense to some but if you are one of those “special parents” you know it’s true.

As I digress....

One of the posts on the site was titled A Picture Paints a thousand words…. Very true, especially for a parent who has lost a child. The post was from 2006 I think and the guy was asking for help from the members to come up with quotes for the volunteer photographers to use in videos for families. As I sat reading through the pages (I think I only got through 3 or so out of 50+) my eyes stopped on one post. It had maybe 10 different sayings and was posted by Cheryl Haggard, the cofounder of NILMDTS. There were two that I took right to heart.

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of his name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul."

Oh, if I could only tell you how true this really is. Jody is a mighty beautiful name and he has a story bigger then him in our opinion. He IS someone so important even though his living presence was for a short hour. Sometimes people might avoid the subject of Jody, those who don’t thank you.

Okay, I lied…. Now that I roped you in ;) there were 3 that caught my eye. So please bear with me…

 

Sometimes, Love is for a moment.

Sometimes, Love is for a lifetime.

Sometimes a moment is a lifetime.

 

This is so true, like I said before…. Jody was only lived for an hour. But by definition of a lifetime his lasted for 60 minutes. Yes, Yes, I know… I know… You may not think that’s a lifetime, but its Jody’s lifetime. Now Joe and I have a lifetime, our lifetime to remember him and his importance.

 

I think back to when I was still pregnant, once we came to the realization that nothing including bed rest was going to change Jody’s outcome. I returned to work which helped fill the time. I am sure many day on my 40 mile trek I looked like a loon to the drivers around me. It was just me in the car talking away, my hands would fly all over the place (yes sometimes I’m a little animated). I took that time as MY time with Jody. I would talk to him about everything, the thrill of rollercoaster’s, how beautiful his sister is, the joy of playing in the rain. I would tell him how Joe was taking great care of him through me; he literally made me Queen of the house! I would go over what Dad didn’t let me do the night before… Really I tried to talk to him about everything…. Call me dumb go ahead, I know. But it was IMPORTANT! Kind of like the movie My Life with Michael Keaton… The guy’s life is perfect, great job, a beautiful wife and a precious bundle of joy on the way. Then everything gets turned upside down, he learns he is terminally ill. He spent his last months/weeks/days video taping, write letters…. Teaching him things in the only way he could.  What ever it took to be with his son on all of his important days.

 

I did just the opposite; I had to tell him everything even though he would never experience it. I remember so many times being so selfish… Who is going to tell him about ME? About his mommy? So this stood out to me.

"Dear Lord,

 

I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap,

and tell him about You,

but since I didn't get the chance,

would You please hold him on your lap

and tell him about me?"

I think about this… He knows me more then any other person in our family. He walked with me for 8 months and 4 days. Deep down, I hope someone tells him about all of us. Not about what he missed, more so about the love that he didn’t miss and the love we carry with us each day.

 

Through this blog and through all of you we share him… Our precious son and what he means to us. Just like Jennifer and Joey, he means the world. He is part of who we are.

 

We still have some exciting news to share; I think it will be our next post. We just have to make sure we have permission to announce it via the blog.

Time will tell....

Joe and I have many times asked the question WHY? when it comes to losing Jody. Instead of buying diapers to fulfill Jody's living baby needs. We are holding out hope that soon something will jump at us to preserve all of his items. Amazingly our little guy accumulated so many things in his short lifetime. Each blanket that we received we wrapped him in, we have his Lamb of Life from an organization called Prenatal Partners for Life and many many other things.

I believe that I mentioned that wonderful family friends purchased a star in Jody's memory. So when you look up into the sky at night, know that our Angels star is looking right back at you twinkling ever so bright.

Last night we were talking with Brian and Janice, our wonderful friends and Jody's Nino & Nina (Godparents) telling them how blessed we are. Through this blog we have been contacted on almost a weekly basis by parents who have just lost a child or who are currently waiting for their Angel to arrive due to an adverse diagnosis.

This is not what we expected when starting to document our journey through the pregnancy, his arrival or our feelings now. I can tell you this though, we are so humbled when people contact us. We offer to call them, talk and answer any questions. Prior to losing Jody we knew no one who had gone through a loss similar, at a time when we felt the most vulnerable we truly needed someone. Those were our feelings, I can not say that everyone would be that way.

If we can help we will, what we offer most is that we can relate, we don't know what each person is feeling, but we know there is a comfort that we can offer to those who do contact us. Each time we ask for the baby's name, and each night I go through a list (it's unfortunate that I have a mental list) but each baby and family gets prayers.

We had said yes to mentoring for Prenatal Partners for Life not because we know how each family feels, but because sometimes we as human beings need someone to talk to. Now we can do it through the blog when we are contacted by parents.

I titled this Time will tell... because we do not know the answer to the questions WHY? But we know this, we love our son. Sure we can say loved since he has passed, I know he is still here and we will love him everyday for eternity. We can not hug or kiss him, and there will never be a point in our life time when we tell our angel Jody we love him that he will answer back. This does not stop us from saying it, thinking it and feeling our love surrounding him everyday.

Through him, if we can help one family through their journey we will walk with them when they need us.

Many moms have done things in memory of their child, I learn of these mommy missions on almost a daily basis. Once I get my blog lesson under way I will add all the links to share those sites. 

For now I want to tell you about Angel Grant's Mommy....

We were contacted by a wonderful woman named Jody (ironic), she lost her son Grant, then months after Grant joined the rank of Angels she created Operation Granting Hope. Through her new mission she will visit special families like ours in the local hospitals and leave them with a basket which will include many items to preserve memories of their lost child.

I did not realize it until recently when I read through her entire blog, that she wrote about our Jody's arrival requesting prayers and support for our family. I sat reading the entries with tears streaming down my cheeks, because this kind woman who we had never spoken with had a big enough heart to offer us support and prayers while still trying to heal her own heart.

I am working on trying to place links on the our blog to helpful organizations and other families blogs. I may have to wrangle Angelina into showing me all she knows so keep your eyes peeled. I know Grant's mommy needs help in getting Operation Grant up and running so look to the right and you will soon see a link!

Lace up your walkin' shoes because we're gonna go!!!!

Join us!!!! We are so very excited!!!

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TEAM JODY will be walking in the 2009 PKD Foundation walk!

PKD Foundation holds an annual fundraising walk and we have registered. This is a decision that we weighed heavily on because in January I signed up to walk in the Susan G Koman 3-Day. The 3-Day is something I have wanted to do for years. Last year our friend Stefanie asked me to walk, at that point we had just found out we were expecting Jody. So this year I signed up thinking it would be a huge motivation for me to knock of a couple pounds after Jody arrived.

All of this was before we found out that Jody’s condition was terminal and that the cause was Autosomal Recessive Polycystic Kidney Disease (ARPKD). ARPKD is a rare genetic disorder, occurring in approximately 1 in 20,000 individuals. It affects boys and girls equally and often causes significant mortality in the first month of life.

Now, I will walk in the 3-Day to raise money for breast cancer, hoping that soon there will be a cure. But more importantly, our entire family will walk in the PKD walk on October 11^th in honor of Jody who loss we are still reeling from.

We invite you to walk with us in his memory or contribute to TEAM JODY, no large amounts are necessary.  

To visit the team site go to http://www.pkdcure.org/teamjody.

If you want to learn more about ARPKD visit the PKD Foundation website at http://www.pkdcure.org/tabid/1150/Default.aspx.

Your 3 Months old....

Dearest Jody,

I can not begin to describe the last three months without you. It seems like it was yesterday we were able to hold you in our arms and peppering you with love. I think about how you would look so different now from the day that you were born. I am sure your features would resemble your big brothers. I looked back at pictures of Joey and realized you were his little cookie cutter image. You would have been just as handsome as he is now.

We all miss you dearly and love you so much. So often your brother asks about you. I believe just yesterday he was snuggling with me watching TV and he said “I am ready for Jody to come back to a baby.” You know I am too.

We had so little time to love you, and the sadness in our hearts deepens each day that passes. But I have got to tell you something little guy, your presence on earth has given us so much to love, and you have changed so many things. Through you we will continue to be more understanding and have peace knowing that we will hold you in our arms someday.

Do you know that I felt so close to you? On the trip that Daddy and I just took we went parasailing. I was so anxious to go up. Sure I have been in an airplane looking out through the clouds wondering what Heaven is like for you. Who is holding and nurturing you? But while I was up in the air, I was talking to you little man. I had the most overwhelming sense of peace I think I have had in forever. I can not even tell you what washed over me, but I know you were there, I just know it deep in my heart.

We are still trying hard to understand why we were chosen. But in time that need will dissipate or so I am told. We think of you daily and I so enjoy our morning talks. I hope that you know how proud of you we are. I don’t think I have told you that. We are so proud; Daddy calls you his little fighter. In the end you gave us what I always knew you would. You made it Love; in the car I would always tell you my fears. I think you were listening. I was so afraid I would never get to see your beautiful face with your eyes open, I would not get to hear your cries. But you gave us all of that and more. You gave us your all, and that is the most important gift we received the day you were born.

Leaving the hospital the next day was the hardest day of my life. I was leaving YOU. Sure, Nurse Dana promised to take care of you. I think if Daddy had not been pushing me out, I would have thrown myself on the floor in a fit of despair. When we reached the parking lot you gave us a sign that you were in Heaven and safe. We knew at that point we were leaving the earthly you; your spirit had already made it though Heaven’s gates.

Today I want you to know that we love you with every fiber of our being. You will always be in our thoughts and our hearts. I have faith and believe we will join you. There is a scripture I read at church, it is :

 

'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you’

Jeremiah 1:5

God knew you were destine for our arms before you were ever conceived. We left your plan in gods hands, we knew you would make it to full term. You would see us. You are forever an angel; we know that He understands our sacrifice for Him.

We can make a pledge to you that each passing day you are with us. We will forever be in debt to you for who you are. Not just our child but you will be our baby for now and always.

I know you are helping to heal our hearts. This weekend I was in the office and I heard Daddy singing, in the past he would always walk around with a tune on the tip of his lips, waiting for the moment to belt it out. When he started singing I just laughed. You are always with us and we continue to believe that.

I love you a bushel and a peck. (That is was Grandma always says to your brother and sister!)

Mommy

 

Few thoughts from Dad…

Daddy_hears_you

 

Quite a while before Jody was born, but after we knew the likely outcome we planned a cruise.  One that we started calling our "Jody Cruise".  The cruise was scheduled after Brian and Janice suggested we would need some time away from everything.  Everything… That is a great word to describe it. A few thoughts on what some of our everything’s have been.

I can tell you since Jody was delivered he hasn’t been off my mind very often.  I think of him everyday many times though out the day.  When I talk to friends, clients or even the checkout lady at the store I talk about Jody.  For me that has helped in dealing with the fact that he isn’t here.  I’ve gotten a lot better about keeping my “Jody moments” tearless.  Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I am not so strong.

Right before the Jody Cruise I joined Carla for work conference she had.  Jody was a topic that was discussed though out the evening,  partly because at the last conference they had it was on April 10th, 2009 (Jody’s date of birth)  One gentleman, Bruce shared with me that he lost a baby brother when he himself was 10 years old.  Still to this day this man thinks of his brother.  During that conversation another one of Carla’s associates Irene mentioned that she had read Carla’s entry about my fathers day.  Right then the tears started.  WOW!  Fathers day!  It was a day in which I reflected on Jennifer and Joey and heavily on Jody.  During Fathers day as we were driving in the car, tears.  Trying on clothes, tears.  Listening to Jody’s chimes, tears.  Carla was correct it was a beautiful day for me, and also one that was difficult too.

So the associate who mentioned Fathers day quickly tried to change the subject to how many chicken wings I had eaten the night before.  Well, that did help to change the mood.  Composed I began to mingle when I ran into a super nice man named Chris.  He asked how I was doing and I responded “I’m OK”.  My staple response now a days.  Then he said in a very excited tone “Hey, you got a new little one don’t you”?  Holy smokes, right thing to say to the wrong guy….  Needless to say, he had not yet heard the news.  Poor man!  The tears came out of me in “overdrive”.  Sadly Chris looked like a “dear in the headlights”.  I told him that Jody’s didn’t survive and Chris just stood there.  What would you do?  There isn’t much that could be said.  I composed myself as best as I could and told him, not to worry as this is a real part of our lives now.

I can tell you, I will never shy away from sharing our son.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m proud of the fighter that he was.  For such a little boy, he didn’t stop fighting until there was no fight left within him.  Right before we left to go to the hospital the night before Jody was born I put an entry onto this blog that I titled “T-minus”.  I chose T-minus because that is the count down they use right before a rocket is prepared to be launched, T minus 10, T minus 9, etc.  My mind set was that Jody would soon be “launched” into heaven.  I told a number of my friends and clients that when we checked into our birthing room I was in disbelief that the room number was 3.. 2.. 1..  That only gave me confirmation that Jody was going to be going straight to heaven.   Still in the hospital, before he was born I noticed a sticker that had been placed on our door.  A leaf with a rain drop falling onto it.  No one else had one.  I asked one of our most wonderful nurses, “What does this mean?”.  “It means you have suffered a loss”.  Again, WOW!  He wasn’t even born yet.  But, I guess they do this so we don’t have some “Chris moments” (See above)  Sadly, the day after Jody was born I went down to the cafeteria and upon my return to our floor, the room next to ours had a leaf with a rain drop.

I must apologize because given the opportunity I can talk someone’s ear clean off their head.  What I can tell you after going though everything that we did it was a wonderful idea to get away.  For us it was just shy of a week we turn it off, we unplugged and we let go.  We did think of Jody, Joey and Jennifer often.  We still have Jody’s images on our camera and we viewed them a number of times, you guessed it, tears.  They are tears of joy as well as pain.  Both Carla and I missed the kids so much.  As much fun as we were having and how much we enjoyed being unplugged, we both agree we are still the most happy when we are with our children.  So now we have returned to our “normal life” if that still really exists.

We have some news that we are really excited to share. We will post an update soon so that we can tell you another way we have been blessed to share Jody's story.

 

Reflections...

Sometimes random things make us smile…

Yesterday was yet another day to reflect on life and all that has happened. Saturday night we had a group of wonderful people over. We love all the couples and are always so happy to see them, chat and spend time. Joe and I had gotten away from going out without the kids through our journey with Jody. But these people, each and every one of them supported us. They called to see how thing were, just to chat, brought dinners after he was born. They have truly enriched our lives in more ways then one.

Angelina and Manny came as well and with her she brought pictures of Jody, three disks filled with every moment of our little guy’s life. I of course took them and went right away to put them in the office, in a safe place, I needed to save them for a time that Joe and I could look at them together. THANK YOU Angelina, your gift of photography has enlightened our lives and you gave us images of our Angel we never expected.

We looked at one disk yesterday morning, it was Fathers Day. It was a gift. We saw our little boy, every angle, wrinkle, him crying and his eyes wide open. Our tears flowed as we looked at Jody in the unedited images; we saw an image of perfection. Perfection? You ask… Yes he was sick, he did not survive. But he was perfect in every way, his full head of hair, his soft feet that if I close my eyes I can still feel, and his smell. So clean, so precious.

This weekend we also hung his wind chimes. A gift from our wonderful friends Brandy and Trevor, little did they know those wind chimes bring us such delight. I will have to take a picture to post so that you can see them and enjoy them as well. Joey believes, Jody is singing to us. They play the most beautiful music when the wind blows, yesterday morning I let Joe sleep in. So I took the opportunity to take my fresh cup of joe (coffee) outside and just listen. There was just a slight breeze, but he sang to me.

 

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Through his singing I found peace… My stomach had been in knots all evening about that day… Father’s Day, I just wished it would not be difficult for Joe. As a father he is perfect, he loves his children and his life. He is THAT dad… the dad that many of us wished we had. Joe did have a hard morning, and it tore at my heart, I know how he felt. I skipped Mother’s Day this year. I just could not celebrate. But Joe relished in Joey, talked to Jennifer and just enjoyed his day.

Jennifer has been on summer vacation with Grandma and Grandpa in New York. She has missed so much but we will make up for it when she gets home. It is strange around the house just having Joey and us. He does so entertain us with his antics and his similarities to both Joe and I. Last week he was in the office watching a movie, and he came out to the family room. He looked at us and his exact words were “these shoes are killin’ me, can I take them off?” Joe immediately asked him to repeat the question, he amused Joe and repeated his request. I right away turned my head and tried to stifle my laugh. That IS Joe… he says that all the time. Joe looked over at me like and asked where he picked that up from…. Joe SAYS that all the time! Sorry hun, I can proudly say it was not me!

We are always entertained by the kids and the stories that come along with them. One in particular (this was my fault)…. When we left for the hospital Joey went with Joe’s mom and dad for a few nights. They had time with just him, but the stories and their delight in him was amazing. They made us laugh when they told us he lined all the toys up on the sink in the bathroom to watch him go potty, and proceeded to make them talk in a different voice. But Joe’s dad held up the paper and just giggled when he told us about Joey and an old handheld poker game. Apparently he was playing with this little thing (he is not really a gambler at age three, but ROCKS at Yatzee!)  pushing the buttons, listening to the noise while Grandpa was watching a game on TV. All of a sudden Grandpa hears him say “Freaking button” as he pressed all the buttons that no longer worked. Well that my friends was me… I try not to swear, or be a potty mouth, so I improvise. Joe looked at me and his eyes bugged out. Then he told on me… “That’s all her, I don’t say that” Yet another bit of laughter that he has brought us at a time we so needed it.

This Monday morning I woke up, and of course went to check email. Last night Angelina sent us pictures of our little Joey, if you read old posts you will know that we did not tell Joey for a long time about his brother. We even did a maternity shoot without him. A few weeks later Angelina came back and shot another maternity shoot that included him. Here is what she sent me…

 

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He like Jennifer deepens our love for life and people. Through him we see everyday what we will miss with Jody, and often I wonder if they would be the same. Just like daddy… Hysterical!

Perspectives

I find myself reconstructing those final, ordinary moments. Moments that make up our lives. Moments that were blissfully taken for granted and that likely would have been forgotten altogether. I have taken from our experience with Jody that we have to hang onto the before and after snapshots.

Those snapshots are what define us as people. April 10^th, I hold that day deep within myself, as a reminder that love is the sum of our choices, the strength of our commitments, and the ties that bind us together. 

So many times since Jody’s birth I have lived in a virtual time warp, where things seem to happen around me. So while I play peek-a-boo with everyday reality I click the rewind button and go back. Trying to figure out those moments that truly make us who we are. Moments when lives merge or even separate, trying to find a small portion of my old self. When I could concentrate on a task at any given moment or would be upset with my loving husband that so graciously let me sleep or better yet let me sleep my day away. Boy, was that a run-on sentence or what? Try saying it in one breath!

Yet again, I digress… Back to my point..

Yesterday, Jody was two months old. We have had two months of heartache and many “Jody Moments”, but through our tears there is laughter, love and life.

We forget as adults about the small people in our lives. I started this blog several days ago and just stopped. I was trying to make a point that was going no where. I still am rambling I would assume as there is no true message here what so ever.

But last night as we spoke about our Angel Jody, we so easily forgot the pain that our children have. Joey can not put into words his pain. He loves his brother and often looks for him in the stars. His conversation is one sided but rips at my heart each time I hear the same thing “Hi Jody, I miss you Jody, I love you Jody” followed up with a kiss blown into the sky. I swallow back tears that flow so easily, though we encourage him. On the nights the sky is clouded, we search high and low for stars, hiding behind the cloud cover, the absence of stars creates moments of brief anxiety for him. Yet again I swallow back tears and search for a star more vigorously.

Jen image 1

Jennifer, our sweet precious little girl. Her heart is so pure, after learning about Jody’s condition she would talk to him in my belly, tell him she loved him and good night. We spent many nights through tears trying to explain why this is happening to us. It is not our plan but His plan.  We have shared in a previous post about her at Christmas and her revelation how excited she will be this year because it will be “all five of us”. Since Jody was born she has had a few “Jody Moments” but nothing like yesterday. Joe and I were out in the back yard on the phone, I ran inside to grab another phone that has a louder receiver. I walked in, and there was Jennifer. She stood there looking at her brother’s picture with tears streaming down her face. At that moment I could have cared less about the phone call, I sat in the chair and just hugged her, tears streaming down my face too.

For us (Joe and I ) we get emotional thinking about the firsts we will miss. By now our little guy would be cooing and just cute as a button. We learned it is the same for Jennifer, she was upset because of all the things she looked forward to. Her list was like a mom’s list “I wanted to teach him to walk, and say his first word” “I did not even get to hold him for very long.”

This brought another pain to the day that yet again

could be described as bittersweet. We tried to celebrate such a tragedy in our lives with positive things. The few positive things there are right now. But instead I felt like a heal wondering if our sweet, sensitive daughter has had the time to deal with her emotions. So all I could do is hug her and try not to say “I understand” because what we have learned through all this is that you never fully understand another person's grief. You can have a basic idea, but their feelings are individual. Jennifer’s pain is her pain and as much as I want to shoulder that for her I know I can’t.

This time in her life is a snapshot, one which will forever be on her mind. One that might define part of who she is for the rest of her life. Just like us all, it will be a picture she carries with her always.

Jen image 2

In the mean time she will continue to be our beautiful little girl. The one who makes us laugh, who makes us smile when we catch her walking through the house oblivious of everything around her, and on occasion makes us want to rip our hair out. All in all she is a regular little lady, with a heart of gold, and hugs that warm us from the inside.

In our life we can continue, we continue with different perspectives, different thoughts. But we continue being us. Conversations that we use to have are coming back… we dream weekly about hitting the powerball if you must know! Through all of this we have learned lessons; our biggest though had been to dwell on the positives. We have made many new friends and acquaintances which mix with the wonderful people we were already blessed with. All of this offers fullness.

Each time is a gamble...

So many times I have tried to sit down to write out what happened the night Jody was born. Everything is so hard to put into word. As an expecting mom I had experienced all of the emotions while being pregnant. I can not even explain it, before we knew about Jody’s condition Joe and I were driving home from a get together and we were talking. I had told him something along the lines of… Each time you have a child you are taking a gamble, we have two beautiful healthy kids, are we asking for too much? Joe agreed that he had had the same feelings, and he though it was normal. Little did we know that conversation months before Jody was born would be our future.

Once we found out I beat myself up, at that time we did not know it was genetic, there was nothing we could have done. I remember we were talking to Janice one evening; I had started crying and had passed the phone to Joe. She was trying to reassure me that nothing I did while being pregnant caused this to happen. In my mind I was reliving drinking a glass of wine. What had I done to cause this? You see I did nothing.

The week before Jody was born; I had someone tell me how large my stomach was. I had not been that big with little Joey. She was right, Joey had amniotic fluid he could stretch out, kick back and relax. Poor Jody was stuck in one position, all 7 lbs of him was at the forefront of my stomach, you could see the outline of his tiny body. He could move his legs and arms, but could not move from side to side like most babies.

Joe had written about the excitement, anticipation and shear sickness we experienced the night of going into the hospital. We knew walking in to have Jody, we would be walking out empty handed with an Angel on our side instead of putting our little boy in his carseat and driving him home. What Joe had not told you, and what he will not know until he reads this is that I washed all the baby sheets and blankets. Stupid, right? I knew our precious son would not need them, but all along I could not bear the idea that we had done nothing to prepare for him to come home. So I washed sheets and blankets just incase. If he had come home, I can promise you Joe and many of those that walked with us would have busted their fanny’s to do a nursery. If being the primary word in that sentence. I came across the sheets while putting away my months of stacked up laundry, I ran my hand across them and just cried. That was all that I could do.

I have gone off on a tangent, about some of the things before. On Friday night before Jody was born the fear in me mounted. I was overwhelmed by the emotions, touched by the love that everyone offered. Even the nurses have touched our hearts in a way I never expected, Pam and Jenifer were the best people we could have asked for by our sides for the two days we were at the hospital. They held our hands and offered us words of encouragement and love. Doctor Adams, our sweet, wonderful Dr. Adams. She offered us something else, she offered us comfort, and an opportunity for our Jody to defy odds.

For over three hours before Jody was born he had not moved, I kept my fears to myself, only once whispering to Pam that I had not felt him move in over two hours. She bent down so we were face to face, took my hand and told me Jody was still with us. Those three hours were the only time I doubted Jody being born alive, his 5% chance that he would be alive when he was officially brought into this world. Pam did not know for sure if he was alive, maybe it was in her heart. We elected not to monitor Jody during delivery out of fear. What would we do if we had known he passed away during labor? Pam was right, he was alive, gorgeous and looked just like his big brother. His full head of hair at first looked jet black, once bathed is was a beautiful shade of auburn with highlights of light browns. He had rosy cheeks, eyebrows just like Joe’s, my nose and his feet and hands were perfect.

We had been told so many things about the way he might look, with the absence of amniotic fluid our poor son was so compacted. His condition which we now know was Polycystic Kidney Disease, falls into another condition called Potters Sequence. The babies described are described as having “Potter’s faces”, which are compacted. Jody’s face was pudgy and just beautiful.

The most difficult yet the easiest task we endured was showering him with love. There are things that I can not part with just yet. After he had passed Dr. Adams brought me a warm blanket to wrap him in. I brought it home from the hospital… I lay down and cover up with his warm blanket every night. It comforts me.

Joe has been so great about sharing, even through his tears, he is not afraid to express the raw emotions that he feels and is so grounded. I have not been as great, my tears have not been shed in front of everyone and expressing emotions without becoming hysterical is difficult for me. So please forgive me if I do not share just yet, I am holding Jody close to my heart for now.

In conversations Joe has had with many people he has been told that Jody’s story sincerely affects them. They leave after reading a blog extremely saddened and it alters their day. We have heard from people, they don’t know what to say so they have not called.

From deep within my heart I ask you, do not be saddened by Jody’s story. Yes, we lost our beloved son, an unfathomable loss that is so hard to understand if you have not experienced it. We had an opportunity to celebrate him, we will continue to do so, through friends and family that we talk with. Each Friday at 8:57 p.m we have marked the week with a Happy Birthday wish, this past week was 6 weeks. We celebrate a life that was far too short, but so very incredible and indescribable. Not because of sadness, though it does play a part, but of shear happiness. His spirit was here on earth for sixty incredible minutes that are etched in our hearts and the hearts of those who love him. By talking we celebrate who our Angel is to us.

JODY MICHAEL – YOU’VE CHANGED ME. LOVE, GRAMMA TERIAN

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I know that I’ve been changed by the short life of my precious little angel, Jody Michael Terian.   This past Sunday, as we celebrated Jody Michael’s one month anniversary of arriving in heaven, I took time to reflect.  It was Mother’s Day and, as I thanked God for our beautiful children and grand-children, I especially thanked God for Jody Michael.  For several months, as we prayed for a miracle and for strength, I have been so greatly affected by so many “Jody miracles & happenings”.

 

So many people let us know that they were praying for our family and I know that this helped us to carry on and to have moments of peace.   We have been told that people have been able to reconsider where they were in life and be open to God’s plan for them because of Jody’s story.  As we shared Jody Michael’s life, we have seen hearts soften and people reach out.  Family and friends are making decisions to be involved in ministries and opportunities where they would support families who have experienced the death of a child.  We will never know how far reaching the effects of the Jody Michael story will be, but God will know and will smile.  Dad & I picked up information and hope to volunteer some way at Mercy Gilbert – it will be our privilege to help at this wonderful place.

 

On Good Friday, April 10^th we experienced a day with extreme happiness and also extreme sadness; a day that will forever be etched in my heart.   It was beautiful to experience our family, Carla’s sister Katie, and Carla & Joe’s friends being together in the waiting room at Mercy Gilbert hospital.  It was full of aunts, uncles, cousins, Gramma, Grampa and God Parents.  There was sharing of snacks & sharing of thoughts and prayers for a safe delivery for Carla and a few minutes of life with Jody Michael. 

 

The wonderful Chaplain, assisted Joe as he baptized his precious son.  I can’t begin to tell you how this has affected me.  I am brought to tears whenever I relive this beautiful moment in my mind.  The Chaplain was the one who signaled for me to bring in big sister, the first of the family to see Jody Michael.  Jenny was so thrilled to see him!   I was there to see the look of sheer joy on the faces of Carla & Joe as Joe exclaimed “He is Alive!”  As they were shedding tears of joy, Carla & Joe were joined with tears by me, wonderful Dr. Julie Adams and nurses Jen & Pam. 

 

Next to see Jody Michael was big brother Joey.  Again, the picture of this moment will be with me forever.  Then, all the aunts, uncles, cousins, Grampa and God Parents came in.  Through all of this, Angelina Dominguez had been there capturing pictures for many hours.  We are truly blessed by having this fine young woman come into our lives.  As a photographer with the group Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, she volunteered and gave so much of herself to our family.  Her wonderful husband Manny was with us also.  Angelina had gotten pictures of Carla, Joe and the children weeks before Jody Michael’s birth.   She took so very many pictures of our precious Jody Michael with the family on the day of his birth, and after he got his wings and went to heaven.   She did an amazing job and is a most talented photographer.  Angelina did all of this at no charge – what a gift.  Later she did a beautiful video which was used at Jody Michael’s Mass of the Angels, along with 2 large pictures that were displayed.  I think it’s a Jody miracle that we found Angelina and God’s hand was surely in all of this.

 

Jody Michael has wonderful God Parents in Brian & Janice Baca.  Their loving presence and support for Carla & Joe is a gift from God.  They are a beautiful example of what true friends are all about and again, we’re blessed to know them.   They stayed till the wee hours of the morning to be with Carla, Joe and Jody Michael.  The loving nurses, Pam & Jen and Dr. Julie Adams were just so amazing.  Mercy Gilbert Hospital and these beautiful people have greatly affected me.

 

 Nurses who came in early to be with Carla for delivery, and stayed long after their shift ended are true examples of love and dedication.  Nurse Jen helped to capture Jody Michael’s little hand & foot molds.   It was so touching to see the 36 beautiful long-stemmed red roses, one for each week that Carla carried Jody Michael, presented to Mommy & Daddy from all the nurses in the labor & delivery area.   Nurse Dana, who wasn’t even their nurse, promised to hold little Jody Michael when Carla & Joe had to finally leave the hospital.  We later found out that Nurse Dana held Jody Michael for several hours, until he was released for his autopsy.  Nurse Laura gave so much of herself as the day nurse and just made Carla & Joe feel loved and supported.

 

As Jody Michael was held by all of his cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, God Parents and friends, Jody’s Aunt Sue shared how very unselfish Carla & Joe were to allow their special little angel to be held by all present.  They gave us a special gift by letting us hold, caress, kiss and love our precious one.  In our prayers, we asked God for just a few minutes with Jody and we were granted one hour.  Carla & Joe – you are truly examples of a loving, caring couple who gave us all the joy of loving Jody Michael.

 

To see our sweet Jenny and Joey hold and kiss their precious little brother was so wonderful.  It surely was a time of many emotions – from heart-warming and blessed to heart-wrenching and sad.  It was hard for Dad & I to leave Carla, Joe and Jody Michael in the early hours of Saturday morning.  After the impressions of his little hands & feet were made by Brain & Janice, with the help of Nurse Jen, we reluctantly left.

 

Thank you, Carla & Joe, for asking us to come back the next day to hold our little angel one more time.  As I held Jody Michael, it was just so natural to rock and caress him.  He was just so perfect and looked like a little sleeping angel.

 

You both are such loving, wonderful parents and I am so proud of you.  Carla is an amazing young woman with wisdom beyond her years.  I am blessed to call her my sweet daughter-in-law.  My beloved son Joe is a loving, wonderful father and when I see your father’s ways in you, my heart is warmed.  You have a good example of a loving father and husband from Dad.  It just broke my heart to see my dear son rock his precious little one.

 

Jody Michael’s Mass of the Angels was most beautiful.   Aren’t we just so blessed to have been surrounded by so many family and friends?  We thank God for all of them in our lives.  So, dear ones, know that you are in our constant prayers, as are all of our beautiful family.   We have our precious angel and shining star in heaven, so we’ve been blessed already.  I love you, Jody Michael.

 

Love, Gramma Terian